We are not who you think we are

I've decided to take some responsibilities in my life. There are so many things I wish I could do. I keep blaming myself for every failure however I did not realize that all I did was aggravate the situation further instead of taking measures to overcome my reckless problem. Things have not been going well. Everything I thought I did right end up to being the wrong things. When I try so hard to pick myself up, there will be something to bring me down. Somehow, I had a gut feeling the band will finally be able to get a breakthrough but I had to be disappointed in every way possible. Every single time I thought I can ace my tests but well, I think my point has been made clear. Everything's not right. Just not right at all.

I'm losing it. My purpose. My focus. My emotions. Everything. Why am I pushing myself so hard? I barely talk to anyone not because I don't have anyone to talk to but because, I ostracize myself away from everybody. I just want to be alone and never have I thought this would be a problem until now. I tell myself to study and when I finally get on to it, I fail because I get distracted and then I procrastinate. I keep reminding myself to sleep early and I think I have succeeded so far if early means 1 a.m. Things have gone through a drastic change and I cannot conform to the new ways of life. Is this a test from God or just a sign that I'm meant to give up?