Boy did they have fun behind the sea

I feel like I'm getting more muscular. Which does not look good. because as my muscles grow bigger, my fats still stay and with that, I just look fatter. Does it help that a majority of the world population finds fat ugly? I know I am ugly so I just don't want to get uglier.

Solution to this problem is to not go for jogging and P.E. But that is highly impossible because I use those periods to relive my childhood and have fun. I realise that all my laughs and smiles during jogging and P.E. are sincere. I feel really happy to be able to step out the students' graveyard and feel alive.

So the solution to that problem is to go on a diet. On the other hand, I need to eat. especially when I am hungry. Because in being a Biology student, I know what happens to the body if it lacks food et cetera. So I do not want any physical internal problems that I can't see and solve easily to rise.

Solution to that problem, is to not study Biology so that I don't get influenced by the things that I learn However, Biology is one of the subjects I take in school and I can't ignore it. It's one of my core subjects. And plus, it is good to learn about new things. Reason for that, knowledge is power. Also, Islam encourages us to know more, and since I have the opportunity, I should take it and treasure it.

And so, the solution to that problem, is to not go to school. Fuck it, living in Singapore is hell.

Think high,look low

Somewhere down this road, I know I'll find a place. 'I do not care where I go. So it does not matter which road I take'. All my efforts to complete my homework with quality and hand in assignments on time will pay off sooner or later. I know that I will end up in a good school after Cedar. I know that I will get scholarships to further my studies in a good university. I know that I will be an opthamologist. I have set my goals. This road that I'm taking will get me there. I will get it. I know I will. I decide my own fate.

It does not matter if I am popular. It does not matter if my friends and families think I'm out of my mind. I don't care if I get unacceptable grades for now. I won't give attention to the popular and unpopular. Instead, I will follow the 'correct'. It doesn't matter if my social circle gets smaller and smaller because I know that it will get bigger in time. I don't care that my mum and dad are not the richest people in the world. I don't need money to have brains and knowledge. All the grudges society holds against me will be ignored.

I, however, have to stop procrastinating. I need to be driven and be self-directed. I have to keep myself motivated and not be demoralised by my unappealing grades or by others who are getting better grades. I will keep trying and make sure I understand everything that is being taught. I must clarify any doubts and also question what has not been questioned.

I will do my best. I can only say 'I' because that is the sad truth. It is I who determines my future. No one else will care where I go but me. So I will try and I will put in my 110% effort to achieve my goals in life.

We are not who you think we are

I've decided to take some responsibilities in my life. There are so many things I wish I could do. I keep blaming myself for every failure however I did not realize that all I did was aggravate the situation further instead of taking measures to overcome my reckless problem. Things have not been going well. Everything I thought I did right end up to being the wrong things. When I try so hard to pick myself up, there will be something to bring me down. Somehow, I had a gut feeling the band will finally be able to get a breakthrough but I had to be disappointed in every way possible. Every single time I thought I can ace my tests but well, I think my point has been made clear. Everything's not right. Just not right at all.

I'm losing it. My purpose. My focus. My emotions. Everything. Why am I pushing myself so hard? I barely talk to anyone not because I don't have anyone to talk to but because, I ostracize myself away from everybody. I just want to be alone and never have I thought this would be a problem until now. I tell myself to study and when I finally get on to it, I fail because I get distracted and then I procrastinate. I keep reminding myself to sleep early and I think I have succeeded so far if early means 1 a.m. Things have gone through a drastic change and I cannot conform to the new ways of life. Is this a test from God or just a sign that I'm meant to give up?

That's why its forever

You know the kind of feeling you get when you got the unexpected?
Vdays/Birthdays in Cedar are awesome.

Well, overwhelming heartache starts now. Sorry, more like brain-ache.

Vicious cycle

Round and round we go. Never see an end. The circle never stops. You think you're back again. But you go on and on and on. 
Sunday's ending now. Monday's coming. More tests, more teachers, more lessons, more band, more practices, more scolding, more pressure, more homework, more stress
Less time.

Love kills more people than coconuts

Sometimes, I feel like I need to do something really bad but in the end, I never get to doing it. 

Sometimes, you make me want to kill you but in the end, I just kill myself.

If only I was a coconut. 

:/

I WANT TO FUCKING DESTROY MY ADRENAL GLANDS.
Then I won't be scared for my Malay result.

High School of the Dead

This is a bloody cool show. The only anime I know with zombies. The worst thing is that only season one of the whole show is done and there are 4 seasons at least. It's probably because the artists have to draw so many droplets of blood that it's taking forever.

Okay, I admit. I'm just blogging to get an excuse to not do my homework. I've been cooped up in the stinking room the whole day now... a few hours... staring down at papers staring back at me. It's pointless I swear. I'm almost done and  I will win the bet between Anisa and I. I will complete all my homework by the end of the week which is tomorrow! I'm going to complete Higher Malay and SS homework today. Hopefully, I'll have time to do English so that all I have left tomorrow is Physics. I'm going to study Physics tonight too. Finish revising as much as possible and then complete my revision for Physics tomorrow. On Monday, I'll revise through Biology and on Tuesday, I can officially say, "I'm prepared to go to school."

One last thing, I want chocolate.

Some of the best times of my life

010111

No one will read this but it can be a tool for me to remember.

It's brand new year now. I guess it's time for a change. In attitude, in priorities and in effort towards many many many thing. Surely as guessed, I will be spending more than half of my life next year on my studies. The first few months though will be given to band. My batch of band members must break the tradition. We must be the legacy. And after that, it'll be all mugging and nothing more. Maybe exercising too to keep my brain working well. O levels is a bloody big thing to me and I don't care what fuckers got to say about it.

Many things have happened this year. Some good, some bad and the bad, I mean stupid. Foolish, plain dumb. Other than that, I'm pretty happy. I managed to become academically better and finally after two disappointing years, I got back my Edusave Scholarship. This may not be a big deal to many people but I kind of need it to know whether I'm good enough. Sure enough, I have not been good enough among those asshole smart Cedarians in Sec 1 and 2. So I guess in summary last year was a pretty good year.

Special tributes to people who have made this year the greatest. I'll try to narrow down to only a few, or maybe only Cedarians since I'm around them for half my 4 years in my life. The people outside Cedar are awesome and great but there's just so many that I really really really care about.

Aqilah, Anisa, Hannah, Hazirah, Junie, Rou Hui, Samyata, Shafena, 3A and a whole lot more. The names I've listed down have been there for me through my years in Cedar and have been the best I must say. The greatest thing they've done for me is to accept me even when I'm doing crazy, stupid things and studying too much at times. I love them with all my heart.

And then there's one more, Maisarah. Its now... 12 years. She's technically been there for me all my life. Everytime I see her, it's as if I've never seen her for forever but its only been months or something. I tell her every single damn thing. She knows everything about me. She understands me more than some of the closest people in my life. She's like that one person that I know very well will stick around me for the rest of my life. Our moms may have a bit of problems with each other but whatever fucking thing they do to make you seem like I'm not worth your attention or vice versa, it never works. I loved you when we were 5, and I still love you now.

InsyaAllah things gets better this year and I get better.